Welcome to Hellscape High, America

This will be the worst four years of your life.

Welcome back to school, kids! We’re so glad you chose to attend Hellscape High School, where all the grownups are creepy weirdos who really, really love kids. And Doritos. And huntin’ and fishin’ and all them regular things that real American folks do, and skinsuit-wearing Lizard People would never do, come on!

We’re so happy to see you. Now take a seat and meet the school staff! They’re going to make the next four years really fun!

Principal Barry

Principal Barry is your pal! When he’s not lecturing wayward young black men, he’s calling all the shots behind the scenes. He loves hooping and mixing it up with the brothas, you see. The ones from the streets. He’s seen his fair share of rough streets, too—from the backseat of various towncars after the Chicago bars close. If you’re lucky, he may even invite you to go windsurfing at his summer home!

Assistant Vice Principal Kammie

Assistant Vice Principal Kammie just loves her kids! That’s why she never had any and urges anyone thinking of having one to exercise their reproductive rights early and often. She loves her country, too! As she likes to say, she loves her country so much she never stops calling it racist and sexist.

She promises to let anyone come to our school. It’s inclusive and welcoming. You can be any race, any age, any criminal background, any number of arrests for sexual assault—you are welcome here! You don’t need a transcript, grades, teacher recommendations, test scores, or even an address. If you show up, you will be given a student I.D. and get free breakfast, lunch, school supplies, and a locker. Bring all your relatives, there’s plenty of room—we are turning the gym and the cafeteria into classrooms this year!

Also: those empty bottles of wine in the dumpster outside her office are not hers, so stop asking her or you’re going to prison for spreading dangerous misinformation, racist.