The Democrats Send Their Best

The State of the Union: The joy is gone as the party of hate wallows in misery.

The Democrats Bomb Themselves

Truly, God has blessed us with the greatest foes.

And by “greatest,” I mean the most comically inept and hilariously grotesque. Forget owning the libs—this bunch has perfected the self-own. Forget calling them out—they’re calling each other out, running as fast as they can away from their own party.

They’re flailing around, stepping on rakes they dropped and getting smashed in the face. They are walking into the traps they devised. We are truly watching an incredible, once-in-a-lifetime spectacle, breathtaking in its scope. It’s the classic Roadrunner cartoon come to life; we get to roar with laughter as the hapless nitwits of the Democrat party run off cliffs, get flattened by anvils, and generally cover themselves in humiliation, day after day.

Just a few months ago, the Democrat rallying cry was “joy.” But joy has fled. This party is now starkly exposing itself as nothing but bitter people filled with hatred and jealousy.

The recent State of the Union Address was like a reverse beauty pageant for the Democrats. They sent their least attractive representatives from every state. These are by far the most aggressively unpleasant people in D.C., and maybe the country. We were treated to a cavalcade of liberals with zero rizz, dysgenic morphology, small and twisted souls, incoherent rantings, and half-witted responses.

Those little auction paddles! The angry scowls! The violent brandishing of their Medicaid mobility devices at the President as he spoke! They hilariously shook their canes, walkers, crutches, dentures, and hearing aids at Donald Trump.

The lack of self-awareness they have rivals that of Meghan Sussex. They are unable to read the room, and it is glorious. In a way, we’re lucky they’re as awful on the outside as they are on the inside, which makes them easy to spot. Some may even be conventionally attractive, but the hate and nihilism that consumes them has a way of emanating from the eyes in a way that drains them of any looks or charm.

If you don’t yet believe we are in the best of all possible timelines, allow me to highlight a few of the dimmest stars in the Democrat pantheon.

Behold their Elite Lineup!

Rosa DeLauro, 82

This Connecticut Representative dyes her bizzare haircut dark black with streaks of bright purple in an effort to “stay relevant” and “appeal to The Youth.”

It also serves as a warning to small children to stay far away from her, or she will push you into her oven.

She is something of a celebrity in D.C., since she once had a starring role in The Dark Crystal.

Al Green, 77

No, not the famous singer. I had never heard of this Al Green until last week, in fact. This Al Green looks like a two-bit pimp with a long greasy pony tail, crazy eyes, and a heavy gold cane that looks like it houses a few switchblades. He’s the lunatic who stood up and shouted at Trump so much that he was kicked out of the Capital.

As he was escorted from the premises he was overheard telling the guards that he had to find a payphone to call his bitches, since the phone in his limousine was busted.

Jasmine Crockett

Jasmine “crossing the border illegally is not a crime” Crockett is a few days away from brawling with Marjorie Taylor Greene on the House floor. Time to require IQ tests of incoming Congresspeople?

Nancy Pelosi, 84

Even broken hips can’t stop this battle ax. She’s still clinging to the last vestiges of power, and two walking sticks. She was gumming her dentures together and muttering to herself during the State of the Union. This is not a pleasant sight.

Rashida Tlaib

Wrapped in her Hamas scarf with the other Squad broads, Rashida represents the pro-terrorist wing of the Democrat party. I continue to be impressed by her enormous self restraint: it must be hard to resist the urge to strap on the belt they like to wear in Gaza. Why don’t any women run for office in Gaza, Rashida? Weird.

Tim Walz

Tim was not in attendance at the SOTU but he was all over TV in the aftermath defending his fellow clown car passengers. The lovable fey scamp hit us with that blue-deer in the headlights steel. He’s threatening to run against J.D. in 2028. Yes, Tim. You must. Please!

Sorry, Tim: you were always the weird one.

Elissa Slotkin

They chose this longtime CIA stooge to give the State of the Union rebuttal, presumably because she’s white and from Michigan and they think she appeals to a certain suburban centrist voter. Leftwing grimacing lesbians from the upper Midwest: your queen has arrived!

Lessons Learned

At last the world can see that any lingering sheen of the Obamas has finally worn off and the Democrats are left with this tired, broken down collection of hacks and haters. Without their headliners, they’ve got nothing to offer the country except gimmicks, signs, and protests. Their last few stars have burned out and with them the only hope they had at a comeback. The ancient bosses at the top were too busy clinging to their prestige to bother grooming any viable understudies, so now they’re forced to rehab the tattered reputations of shady characters like Gavin Newsom. Good luck with that!

Why can’t any of these people show a speck of kindness to murder victims or pediatric cancer survivors? Has their soulless cruelty so deformed them that it has rendered them incapable of basic humanity? I recommend a solution that can save them from further humiliation and help their party heal from the debacle: walk out of your offices, go home, and never return.

Who were your favorites? Let me know in the comments!

Thanks for reading!

—Peachy