The Debate: How Trump Can Win

Remember: It's not a debate. It's another Trump trial—and CNN is the judge and jury.

CNN’s “debate” on Thursday will not be a debate. It will be a courtroom-style cross examination by prosecutors Jake Tapper and Dana Bash of Defendant Trump.

Trump, like a courtroom defendant, will face objections and censure by his interrogators, who are going to be able to mute his mic (!!) anytime they wish.

Not only will Bash & Tapper use the mute button to hurt Trump, they’ll use it to SAVE Biden by muting him when he loses it, mumbles, or freezes.

These two dour sourpusses are going to open the debate with the most salacious, embarrassing moments of the hush money trial. They are going to talk “adultery,” “porn star,” “embezzlement,” “fraud,” and “34 felonies.” They will monologue this for 5 minutes. But instead of going into the “rigged trial” bit right away, Trump needs to immediately launch into the crime wave rocking NYC.

To counteract this rigged CNN interrogation, Trump will have to come out of the gate with winning answers. To help him and his team, here are some clapbacks to the questions we’re likely to hear tonight.

“You are a convicted felon. How do you plead?”

“Dana, girls are getting raped, people are getting murdered and robbed all over the city, migrants are beating cops, but the DA won't indict anyone but me. They are wasting millions of dollars on a political witch hunt designed to influence the election—you know it, I know it, and your viewers know it. CNN thinks their viewers are stupid, but I don't. They know it was a rigged trial. But this administration cares more about getting Trump than saving the lives of innocent New Yorkers.”

“You called the trial rigged. Why do you hate the American justice system?”

“That trial in New York is a disgrace to every New Yorker suffering under this terrible leadership. It was not an indictment of me, but an indictment of the corrupt far left city leaders who hate their own people—who are getting victimized every day. People are getting shot, robbed, and raped in New York thanks to Alvin Bragg, but I’m the one they want to put in jail. By the way, Jake, you using THIS as the first question of the first debate is PROOF that the trial was rigged to influence the election. You just told on yourself!”

“You called neo-Nazis in Charlottesville very fine people. Why do you love Nazis so much?”

“Jake, there is now a Charlottesville in America every day. Jewish Americans are getting harassed, beaten, attacked in the streets of New York and L.A.—by Democrats who support Hamas. And Joe Biden and his squad have pandered to them and tied Israel’s hands. Are they fine people too?”

Jewish woman beaten by fine people in L.A.

“Do you still think the 2020 election was stolen?”

“The Biden campaign is right now, as we speak, distributing ballots to illegal immigrants who come across our border. Is that stealing? What would you call that?”

“Mail-in ballots and ballot harvesting and missing ballots and late-night ballot dumps led to many irregularities in the 2020 election, and so the truth is, no one knows who won. Democrats won’t allow recounts, won’t allow Voter ID, so we will never actually know. Anyone who cares about election integrity, like I do, must demand one day voting, voter ID, and proof of citizenship.”

“On January 6th you incited an insurrection. Why don’t you believe in our sacred democracy?”

“Dana, the man who doesn’t believe in democracy is standing right next to me. He is doing his best to put his only opponent in prison. Is that what you call democracy? Or what about passing ballots out to illegals who sneak across our border? Is that democracy?”

“Why do you hate women so much you want to kill them by banning abortion?”

“That’s a first—no one—and I mean no one—has ever accused me of hating women. And I am very proud I helped get Roe overturned. Now each state get to decide. If a state loves women so much it wants to let them kill their babies, that’s up to the state residents to decide. I don’t like it, but that’s democracy.”

“16 Nobel Prize winning economists say your policies will make inflation skyrocket. Why do you hate money?”

“Sounds like the 51 intelligence experts who lied for Joe Biden and said Hunter’s laptop was Russian. Why did they lie for you, Joe? These economists are so smart that they don’t know that Joe Biden has made inflation go up 30 and 40% for people. Groceries bills are up 300%. When I was president, people could afford food, gas, and rent. Under Joe, they can’t. Why is that, Joe?”

“You love Russia and want Putin to take over Europe. Why aren’t you willing to start a nuclear war with them to protect the Biden family’s favorite money-laundering oligarchy?”

“We will end the Ukraine war on Day One of my administration. It’s very simple: we stop sending them billions of dollars we don’t have, and we negotiate a peace treaty with Russia. This is the deal both sides wanted in 2022, but Joe Biden sent Boris Johnson to Kiev to shut it down. Hundreds of thousands of men people are now dead and they would have been alive if I’d been president.”

“Since Joe Biden opened the southern border, over a million immigrants a year are flooding the country. They are killing, raping, and robbing our people. Right now ICE is hunting down at least 50 members of ISIS that Alejandro Mayorkas allowed in. President Trump, why are you too racist to think this is good for the country?”

“The first thing we are going to do is immediately deport all criminal aliens. Then we are going to stop handing out billions in free benefits to illegals. Many of the rest will simply self-deport when they are unable to take advantage and bilk our stupid system. they are costing us billions of dollars in handouts when our own people can’t afford milk or gas. Enough!”

“When you are sent to Rikers Island in July after your sentencing, will you or your cellie be the wife?”

“If I am sent to prison, it will be the end of this country, the end of our justice system, and most importantly—the end of Joe Biden presidency. They’re not really after me—they’re after my supporters, and I’m just in the way. Americans can smell a rat, and I can too—and he’s the one who’s half asleep at the next podium trying to make it to the next bathroom break.”

Hope this helps! Please tell me what else I should have added, and any other great clapbacks you can think of.

See you all on X during the debate — I’ll be tweeting @keenanpeachy!

—Peachy