MILFs Gone Mad

Easy there, ladies.

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Is it the microplastics in the water? Is everyone hitting menopause at the same time? Is it the testosterone cream they bought on Instagram? Is it porn?

Or is it just a basic midlife crisis, a tale as old as time, the middle-aged adult desperate to be affirmed as sexually desirable again by strangers?

Usually much younger strangers.

There seems to be a bit of a trend of high profile older actresses in their fifties and sixties flaunting raunchy sex scenes with younger men in their twenties. Is this what feminism is? Getting a man thirty years younger than you to perform graphic sex acts on you, on camera, for all your jealous girlfriends in the group chat to see?

Gwyneth Paltrow has the unique distinction of being her own self-insert in every movie she’s in, as well as the idealized avatar for an entire generation of Gen X women.

On your knees, peasant!

None of us couldn’t date Brad Pitt at the absolute peak of his hotness, but she just casually did.

We’d never win an Oscar for our first big movie, but she did.

We couldn’t start a huge company selling $100 vitamins and jade eggs for your pelvic prolapse, but she did it in her spare time between lymphatic massages and hot yoga.

We’d never effortlessly channel Grace Kelly’s looks and calm confidence with zero effort, but she could and she did, and still does!

Gwyneth will forever be the nepo queen bee you loved to hate but then finally had to begrudgingly admit deserved it all because she was born not just rich and famous, and beautiful and thin, but cool. She was born popular and she will always be popular.

Her cover story in the new Vanity Fair is the best profile I’ve read on her in ages, and I’ve read them all. It’s all here — the self-referential name dropping of her ex-boyfriends, the casual “who?” feigned ignorance around her neighbor Meghan Markle. Compared to Paltrow, Markle is a mere pretender to the throne. She’ll never come close to the level of pure all-American royalty that Gwyneth can’t help but embody.

So, after many years of admiration tinged with envy, I just can’t quit you, Gwyneth. When it comes to Generation X female icons, I’m with her, and not Jeanine Garafalo or Gwen Stefani.

Which brings me to her latest move, which is hilarious and pure Gwyneth. And I hate it.